I think I’ve gotten the hang of asking God what He wants in my life, and have little struggle following suit. At least… I think I do, more than I did a couple of years ago. Through experience, I see that He is faithful, constant and genuinely desires the very best for me. That allows me to trust better I guess.
Oh but the tables have turned on me recently.
Instead of praying prayers surrounding what He wants, I feel Him asking me what do I want. I feel like my conversations with Him have been more like this of the late:
“Jesus, I surrender my life to you. Tell me where you want me to go, and I will go. Show me your will…”
“What do you want?”
“I want whatever you want for me. Tell me, and I will want that for myself too.”
“No, I want you to know what YOU want?”
“But what You want for me is better.”
(Completely ignoring what I just said) “What do you want?”
“I dont know what I want!!!”
“Nevermind. I’ll just go read now.”
And then I ended up reading the rest of the day.
I actually bought a book two days ago, a 700-pages long fictional novel, and finished it in one day! I think that’s how I deal with anxiety; some people run, some people binge-watch Netflix, some get drunk… And me, I read. HAHA! Never realised that about myself until recently. I always bury myself in books, reading an average for two at a time. Mostly Christian books. But this time I’ve gone off the deep end and finished a novel with vampires, shadowhunters and warlocks. Nice.
This whole episode came up because I’ve received an opening for Japan again! (This is not how I pictured breaking the amazing news. I promise to make it up with a more detailed sharing of how it happen in another post soon.)
I got a job opening in Okinawa, and am also waiting on another to respond very soon. So that’s two potential doors awaiting; one is open and I can step through at any time, and the other’s slightly ajar.
While waiting, I began praying and asking friends and family to cover me as I decide which door to walk through, should the other open as well. Of course, things would be much easier if the other remains closed. Things would be so straightforward that I can confidently pour all my energy into just one place.
But now I can’t. Not as long as the other door remains ajar.
That’s where my whole getting-nowhere conversations with God and binge-reading came about. I am avoiding the unavoidable.
It only occurs to me strongly now just how much our desires and dreams matter to God, to The Almighty God.
And it only occurs to me now just how afraid I am to think about what I want. Experience proves the Lord is right and His ways are best. Experience also proves that I am almost always wrong, and my ways are at best, best for myself, at worst, plain horrible.
How can I know for certain that I will make the right choice?
Then again, if He is in me and I in Him (John 17), it must mean that it is possible. Our certainty in ourselves must come from our certainty in Him; He holds us.
My very wise friend said this to me over text while I was in the middle of a decision crisis last night:
“I guess you could see that if God is asking you that, He trusts that whatever it is you want, won’t ruin His will for you.”
That’s a whole lot of trust in one imperfect person.
But it’s a chance He’d rather take. He desires that mutual trust as much as He desires relationship.
So much is on my shoulders and mind that, honestly speaking, doesn’t have to be. I’m beginning to see that I can learn to trust in myself, my decisions, my righteousness, my goodness because I can trust Him – beyond my Guide and Father, my Maker.
My Maker, who made me, can trust in His design because He designed it. He designed me.
What do I want? I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I am allowing myself to explore that possibility.